Tough Tough Day

I don’t want to turn this blog into a sob story, and in all honesty I probably won’t. However, today has been fucking difficult for absolutely no reason whatsoever and I want to try and get down how I’m feeling.

It’s only been a few months since my wife and I first entertained the idea that I have ADD/ADHD. Last week our suspicions were confirmed when I received the official diagnosis from my doctor. I’m not sure if it’s good news or bad news yet, but news it is and there’s no getting away from it. It’s a relief in many respects because no I know I’m not stupid, lazy or crazy. I suspect that it’s a relief for Julia for precisely those reasons as well.

Of course it doesn’t change anything at all. For all I’ve seen a doctor, I’ve yet to receive any treatment or care. It’s still early days and any move towards understanding what has gone before will take time. There’s a lot of information out there and sifting through it to find reliable and trustworthy data is going to be a long process. Therein lies part of the problem. One of the beautiful contradictions of ADD/ADHD is that I can hyper-focus on the most trivial of subjects and ideas but when it comes to reading and research, I find it almost impossible to stay on track. I glean lots of information quickly but as soon as detail presents, I hit a slow paragraph or the wind changes then that’s it. Game over.

Is it wrong for me to hope that medication will help me get over that? Honestly, I think it is. I’ve been on antidepressants for three years so I’m no stranger to taking pills. They’ve helped me control mood swings and temper a self-destructive anger that meant I was always on the boil. Of course, the recent diagnosis helps to make sense of all of that. So does this now mean that I come off the Citalopram and start taking the recommended stimulants? I don’t know enough about them but my doctor suggested lowering my anti-d dose and starting me on the Concerta as well. That’s two lots of tablets to help control who I am without the medication – to bring me into line with the rest of society – to change me into something that I’m not. This conflicts me greatly for a number of reason. I don’t want to go off on a tangent and spout conspiracy theories about population control, but after a few drinks and with the right music and lighting, it wouldn’t be a huge leap!

If this is how God made me, then is taking medication wrong?
Am I willingly chemically neutering myself?
Should my wife take me as I am. For better, for worse?

If this is who I am, shouldn’t I just carry on and the consequences be damned? I just don’t fucking know.

There are things that I want to do in my lifetime, my wife and I have plans. If I don’t take care of things I don’t see how we’ll ever be able to achieve them.

Making My Mind Up. Again.

I decided against it after a couple of weeks. As ambitious and rewarding as it might have been as a project, I was brought back to earth when my wife pointed out that for the same price as the machine I wanted to build, I could buy an iMac with no hassles, kernel panics and the peace of mind that comes with a 12 month guarantee. Perhaps I’ll get around to it one day, but for the time being I’ll stick to what I know.

In place of the Hackintosh I’ll be buying a 27″ i7 iMac with a 3.4GHz quad-core i7 with a 2GB AMD graphics card. If it’s anything like my last two iMacs, I’ll get at least 3 years out of it and I’ll be able to sell it on with ease.

That’s not all though…

Last year I found university quite difficult. Not the course or material – I’ve been taking photographs for years so that was a doddle. It was the sitting at home and writing essays that I was found harder than it should have been. In all honesty, this was one of the factors that led J and me to the realisation that I have ADD. So this year, to get me out of the house more and keep me productive, I’m going to buy a new Macbook Air. It also means that I can spend more time at my favourite hangout, Tea Monkey in Milton Keynes!

Until next time.

My first ADD appointment

Today has been tough and I’m not sure that I’m in the best frame of mind to be writing. That said, it might help work a few things through for me.

Last month I was referred to a specialist by my GP to confirm what I strongly suspect is ADD. Today was my first appointment and I’m gutted. You see, ADD is a learning disability; it’s hard-wired into your brain. My appointment was with a mental health specialist who can’t and won’t diagnose and wasn’t sure where mental health ends and learning disabilities begin.

Naively, I had hoped that this wouldn’t happen. I expected to meet a professional who would know the symptoms and the correct course of action. Instead it seams I’m at the beginning of what I can imagine is about to turn into a bureaucratic web and I’m about to get caught up in the middle.

I’m expecting a call tomorrow to confirm the next stage in the process. I’m fully expecting them to confirm that it’s not a mental health issue and that they will refer me back to my GP – putting me firmly back at square one.

Perhaps I’m being too hasty and harsh but shouldn’t my GP have known? Anyway, I’ll find out tomorrow and we’ll see where this thing goes.

Peace.

To Hackintosh a Mackintosh or Notintosh…?

I’m not sure what “Notintosh” means. Sorry.

I’ve been an Apple customer for around eight years now. I’m sure I’ve mentioned in a previous post that I bought an iMac after using my brother-in-law’s iBook. Since then I’ve bought a new iMac, 3 iPods (not all for me), 3 iPhones (ditto), a Mac Mini and 20″ Cinema screen and an iPad. Not forgetting the iSight video cameras (bizarrely I own two), four Apple keyboards, three Apple mice, licensed accessories and so on…

In short, they’ve had a shitload of my money!

In return I’ve had eight years of hassle free computing, phones that sync nicely with my computers and more than a few envious glances and comments from friends, colleagues and clients.

However, I now find myself at a crossroads. My four-year old iMac is starting to show its age and some simple jobs are taking much longer than they should. My once lightening-quick and beautifully constructed desktop is struggling to keep up with the MacBooks on campus; and I need to be far more considerate with my money these days…

I first heard about the Hackintosh years ago, in fact probably only a few weeks after Apple announced that they were moving away from the Power PC processors in favour of Intel chips. Now Apple were using the same processors as a whole tonne of PCs it was only a matter of time before a few smart guys n’ gals figured out how to get OS X running on PC hardware.

So to my dilemma…

I can buy another iMac for roughly £1700 if I factor in my preferred upgrades and student discount. The machine I could get would be beautifully designed and constructed and I’m more than certain I’d get another four years of hassle free computing.

However, it’s been on my mind for some time now that I could quite easily buy an off-the-shelf PC with similar or better specs for much less money. My only complaint would be the operating system and even that is only because I’m no longer familiar with Windows after several years using OS X. Considering that the majority of my work would be in Photoshop, Lightroom and MS Office; it would be sensible to put my preferences aside and make a sensible decision.

Years ago I read an article by photographer Ken Rockwell which said:

The Poor Man Pays Twice

If you really want something, buy it, or wait until you can.

Don’t buy something that isn’t what you really want. If you do, you’ll keep dreaming about what you really wanted, and eventually get it. When you do, you’ve just paid twice.

Worse, as mentioned at the top, if you have a job done by the lowest bidder, you’re going to need to pay the highest bidder double to fix the damage done by the first guy.

That’s stayed with me for quite a while and though it’s probably cost me a little more in the short-term, I’m damn sure it’s saved me a fortune in the long-term. However it’s time to move on Ken, sorry.

So what does this have to do with Macs, PCs and the Hackintosh?

If you’d asked me a couple of years ago I would probably tell you that it was an ambition of mine to own a Mac Pro. It’s a beautiful hunk of machine and it’s a Mac. The extortionate price was part of the appeal – these machines were for the serious and seriously rich!

I grew up. I got married. I bought a house.

I couldn’t, and still can’t, justify that kind of money on a machine that will need replacing in four or five years time. So my compromise is to build my own Mac Pro. Of course it wont look as sleek and it won’t be made by the coolest company out there, but as I’ve gotten older my loyalties have shifted somewhat. My money is worth less and it needs to go further.

So to Hackintosh I shall go. I shall learn of the PC and of the components. I shall read, I shall plan and I shall build. I shall build a computer that will grow as my business (and hopefully bank balance) grows.

Coming soon: Getting Started – Hackintosh Part 1

Until next time.

ADD-ing all the pieces together

When I first thought that I might have ADD, I can’t say I was that bothered. It’s pretty hard to get a reaction out of me at the best of times and I remember being in a bit of a funk so I shrugged my shoulders and kept on driving. My wife, Julia, had been reading an article written by the wife of a guy with ADD and she saw a lot of similarities in our relationship. Too many and alarms bells started ringing.

I picked her up from work. We were half way home and in mid conversation when she blurted “I think you have ADD!” The smile on her face was nerves. It wasn’t funny news and she was clearly uncertain of how I was going to react. I don’t really remember the rest of the journey. I know she talked about articles, forums and websites. She was keen to point out that the symptoms present differently in adults than they do in kids. It didn’t mean much to me. I didn’t run around the house screaming so how could I have ADD?

That was about five weeks ago. We’ve done a lot of talking and reading since then. I don’t know at which end of the spectrum I am but I can’t deny that something isn’t right. It hasn’t been bad though; not all bad at least. When I came to accept it I remember feeling empowered and excited for the future, though this was tempered with feelings that things had been much harder for me than they needed to be for so many years.

I’m still very much at the beginning of this journey but today I took my first big step and we went to talk to my GP. Julia was there and she talked to the doctor about things from her point of view, as I did my own. Hearing how hard things had been for her was embarrassing, especially in front of our doctor but it was a time for honesty and I owe Julia and myself that much at least. I was worried that I wouldn’t be convincing enough – how crazy is that? We tried to fit five weeks of learning and nine years of problems and frustrations into a twenty minute appointment.

My doctor is amazing. We really got lucky when we met this guy. He listened and agreed to refer me on to a psychologist. I was choked up when we left the surgery – being that honest was pretty tough but I needed to do it and I understand that now. I’ve not talked to Julia about it yet, but I will over dinner.

If you’re reading this and you think you might have ADD or ADHD then talk to people you trust and then go see your primary healthcare advisor. I’m still trying to work this out and I can only tell you about my experiences to date and as they happen. Today was a big step but it’s done now and I’m relieved.

Until next time.

1 year, 4 months and 23 days later…

Hello there! Remember me? I used to blog here.

In the 72 weeks since my last post, shitloads has happened. I wont bore you with details but to summarise, I was made redundant from my job after five year, I started a degree and I realised the root of my depression was ADD.

It’s been a crazy 508 days – none stop. I’ve learned lots and I’ll be sharing some of that soon but the important part is done now: remembering my WordPress log in!

In the coming months I’m going to be writing about my ADD and how I’m learning to deal with it; my photography and studies; my projects and anything else that holds my attention for more than a few minutes at a time. However, it’s late and I promised my mother-in-law that I’d hang some blinds for her in the morning.

 

One more thing. I bought the iPad.

Throwing an iPaddy

I’m a big fan of Apple. My first Mac was an iBook that we borrowed from my brother-in-law, and at the time I was just a keen photographer so iPhoto blew me away. After years of using PC’s I had no idea that using a home computer could be so much fun. I’d even go so far to say that using a Mac opened my eyes and ignited an interested in modern consumer technologies – much to the worry of my wife and bank balance! We bought our first iMac and didn’t look back.

That was more than five years ago and I’ve since upgraded to the Intel iMac, added a Mac mini and now my wife and I both own an iPhone. I blog, surf, shop, watch TV, listen to music online and when rumours of a Mac tablet surfaced, I started to pay attention. I had my own ideas of what I’d like to see in a tablet computer and some of the rumours got me pretty excited. I’d check out Engadget daily for the rumour roundup, keep an eye out for leaked photos with little success and check out tweets of people who might be in the know.

No leaks. No news. Nothing. Just rumours and hearsay.

When it finally came around, the launch event was like every other Apple event and  didn’t disappoint. Lots of perfect pictures, demonstrations, new apps and more. But something was different. I didn’t want one…

I talked about the iPad with my wife and she liked the look of it. She loves reading and has often said that she’d like a laptop to browse the internet from the sofa, but that we can’t afford to buy a Macbook. This seems like a good idea and in jest she suggested that we should get one each!

To tell the truth though, I’m a little gutted and I expected more from the boys and girls at Cupertino.

When I say more, I mean that I wanted more than a large iPod Touch. I wanted to see more of the internet; not the dumbed down, Flash free version with Apple imposed morals. I wanted a HD display. I wanted video output. I wanted a forward facing camera so I can Skype with my friends and family. I wanted multitasking. I wanted stereo sound. I want a product that actually delivers on the hype. I want, I want, I want…

I want to hate it. I want to hate what it stands for, but I can’t. Quite simply because I’ve not used it. I’ve yet to see what the many thousands of app developers come up with and I’m sure that there are some beautiful programs being developed as you read this. I’ve yet to sit on my sofa holding the (not quite, Steve) “entire internet” in my hands, I’ve yet to lay in bed and read the New York Times in the morning or the latest best seller before I drop off at night and I’ve yet to hold it and wonder how I ever managed without it.

As they did with desktop computing, the iPod and the iPhone, Apple has again raised the bar.

Will I get one? Probably. Will I love it, warts and all? Almost certainly! Will I ever learn…?

Mazzy Star – Into Dust

Have you ever heard a song that changes your heart as soon as you hear it? Into Dust is beautiful.

Mazzy Star – Into Dust

Now I need to man-up and listen to some Foo Fighters!

Name Your Tale – PUBLISHED! (well kinda)

Name Your Tale is a simple site with a simple objective. You name a story and they write it in 100 words or less. Considering that I only submitted a title I kinda feel like I collaborated with the writer on this(!). Anyway, take a look at the site and see what you think. They’re really short stories and if you’re anything like me, once you’ve read one you’ll play it out in your mind and let your imagination run with it.

If you’re interested, my short was called It’s Over Now and can be found here.

Picking Up The Ball

Wow. Not only has it been over a month since I last wrote a post but it’s also 2010. Time to pick up that ball and start writing again. Maybe this time around I’ll not leave it so long. If it’s been more than a couple of days, please kick me in the arse and remind me about the blog!

We’ve just got Sky HD and so I’ve pretty much spent the last month glued to the TV set. I don’t like TV. I just don’t and already I’m thinking about not renewing the subscription next year. Of course, in a year I’ll probably forget to cancel and the service will roll into another year, and then another and so on… Actually I’m gonna write a post about TV soon.

It’s not gonna win me any awards but at least I’m still typing. Happy New Year and may God bless you all!